Suzie and Zuzu and The Full Circle

Well, it certainly has been a while! I have really missed writing to anyone or no one or whoever is interested or disinterested in what I have to say. As I have said before, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This is not a religious blog and my intent in writing is in no way meant to sway anyone to what I personally believe. However, it is important to know how I get my perspective on life, death or whatever else may fortunately or unfortunately come my way, and since my thoughts are on birth and death right now, it is hard to keep spiritual beliefs at bay. That having been said, doesn't every one's spiritual beliefs or lack thereof make up every perspective on birth, death and whatever? Being a woman also brings a different perspective, and adding motherhood to that still another.

I tell you once again these are my thoughts only and in this entry they come from my faith, being a woman and motherhood.

Hello to Margaret Zuzu Bingham who just happens to be the most beautiful child ever born (Until the next grandchild that is mine comes along). For anyone who knows a new grandma, or has been one, all we do is brag, bore and brag to anyone who is too polite to walk away. Being a new member of the Grandma club, I truly believe that every person I run into actually cares and wants to hear endless talk about Zuzu and how truly remarkable, intelligent, aware, already walking, talking, reading, singing and playing the piano she is. All of this and she will be just six weeks tomorrow!!!

Zuzu arrived noonish on February 9, 2009 healthy and truly happy. All bias aside, she is probably the most contented baby I have ever encountered. Delivery went quickly and Megan and Riley were kind enough to let me be there when she arrived. Never mind the fact that I have given birth four times, this time was the first time I truly witnessed the miracle. It was a wonderful experience and I am over the moon. Zuzu is cuddly, loving and aware. It feels like she can look right into you. There is something serious and contemplative in her and as any proud Grandmother would, I am awaiting great things from her.

Goodbye to Susan Arlene Terry. Suzie is my sister in law. I say "is" because I know she is still very much with us even though she passed away Saturday, March 14, 2009. I say "know" because of my faith. Many may think I just believe but this is not the case. I know.

I know Suzie a little better than I know Zuzu simply because I have been here with her longer. I don't presume to know Suzie as well as her husband, children, brothers or sisters know her, but what I do know is that if any one person can define fire cracker, it would be Suzie. She is a force to be reckoned with. If anyone can get something accomplished it is Suzie. She fiercely loves her family, has a happy outlook and a great sense of humor. She taught me to laugh at myself and find humor in any situation. My mother in law is much the same way. Again I say "is" not "was".

As I watched little Zuzu arrive, I knew she was leaving a loving home to come and reacquaint herself with people she already knew. She and all of us existed before we came here. We all came from a loving Heavenly Father and left people who love us to embark on this great adventure called mortality. I think that we were all a little apprehensive or nervous, but excited never the less, to take the next step in our eternal progression and experience life here on Earth. I assume that we were a little sad to leave loved ones behind that may or may not have had their turn on Earth yet. Some loved ones may have said goodbye knowing what was coming our way having already experienced it, and others may have said goodbye anxious to join us and start their wonderful new adventure. It is exactly the same when we exit this life. We leave loving arms and return to loving arms.

I don't believe in death. Yes, we leave a shell behind temporarily, but we go on. We progress. There is still much to accomplish, much to do and much to learn. We are in no way finished with life. We have an eternity left to live, love, experience and accomplish. I prefer to think of death as another birth. Suzie left people who love her and is getting reacquainted with loved ones she had been missing from her time here and from before she got here. She will be sending loved ones off to come here just as her family sent her off. Life truly is a circle, (I know, I know, how cliche!) but instead of birth to death I know it is really birth to birth.

In some ways being a mother makes this easier to understand. Life is a lot like pregnancy. When you are first pregnant, the thought of giving birth is daunting. No one wants to do it. We love the outcome, but we just aren't sure we can make it through labor. It is hard and it is scary, but by the time the ninth month rolls around we are ready for the next step. I haven't heard of one mother who wouldn't do anything to get that baby out. I think life is the same way. When we first get here there is so much to experience, do and learn. Hopefully, we have people who love us and people to love. We never want to leave, and thinking about leaving is more than we can bare, but when Heavenly Father is ready for us to come back home he gives us a gift. He gives us peace, and when the time comes we go. We are ready. The loved ones we leave behind may not be ready for us to go, but the people waiting for us to arrive are so happy to see us.
There is so much to experience, do and learn. If those left behind desire comfort, comfort is there to be had. It will be given by those who love us here and those who love us there. We just need ask, and in the Lords time it will come.

Until next time.....

The Joy Is In The Journey...(I know, because the destination is a complete mystery!)

One of my family's favorite movies is Joe Vs. the Volcano with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks. We were pretty sure the reason it was a flop was because people just weren't as intelligent as we were. (That's a joke.) I really do feel, though, that it is a great allegory on life. Forgive me, but, it is such an old movie, I don't feel bad giving the end away. Naturally, Joe and Meg's character (sorry I don't remember her character's name) fall in love. Joe, set to be sacrificed to the gods, readies himself for his big jump into the volcano. Meg wants to marry him before he jumps. The two have a quickie wedding and the loving wife she is, decides to take the leap with him. With eyes closed they jump in and low an behold the volcano spits them out into the ocean, the island sinks into the sea and Joe's seemingly indestructible travel trunks pot up to save the day. Joe and his true love get them hooked together and climb aboard. As they snuggle on the trusty luggage, (it must be Louis Vuitton) Meg can't believe how lucky they are, and admires the luster of the full moon. Joe, the more pessimistic of the two, points out that while the moon is lovely and it was indeed fortunate that the luggage appeared they were, after all, stranded in the middle of the ocean. Meg, the more optimistic, simply said, "It's always going to be something with you, isn't it Joe."

The best way I know to start something is to jump right in. Motherhood is probably the best example. Once you are in, there is no way out. You can't be a little pregnant. You either are or you're not. The wedding day is definitely a leap into the unknown. As a woman, marriage and children tend to come fairly naturally. Both are difficult, exasperating, rewarding, wonderful and worth every minute of heartache and joy they bring, and as women we, or I anyway, anticipate both marriage and children being in our lives.

Other leaps into the unknown may not come as naturally. As a mother it is very easy to become lost in our children. I know for myself, motherhood was a great excuse to become lost. Don't get me wrong, nothing and I mean nothing means more to me than my children, husband or my immanent grand daughter Maggie. What I am trying to say is the nurturing, while it is the most important thing I do, it is not the only thing I can do. Lucky for me, Dewey (my husband) knew this before I did. He helped me jump.

As Megan, my eldest daughter, and I were in the midst of planning her wedding Dewey drove me to a little adobe house for lease. He thought it would make the perfect little gallery and gift shop for me. As my kids were getting older and flying the coup he wisely realized something of my own would be good for me, and he had confidence I could succeed. Had he realized the the tiny snowball that he started a'rollin down that adorable bunny slope was actually going to make it's way down Mount Everest, he may have thought at least twice before leasing the space for me. What Dewey envisioned as a nice little place for me to paint and sell the occasional print or trinket turned into much more than he or I ever bargained for, but he has supported me the whole way. (So far anyway. I don't expect him to quit supporting me, but I am far from the final destination and I can only suppose he will continue. That's not really true, after twenty five years, I know he will.) Dewey's mistake was thinking that the little vanity project he surprised me with would stay little. He knows small isn't my thing, but he always holds out hope. When I start something it becomes completely overwhelming and all consuming and that is what this jump into the volcano has become, but in a good way.

Kaleidoscope Eclectic Boutique was conceived in July of 2006. It was born March 31, 2007 when we opened our doors, not in the little adobe house but, in a high end outdoor shopping center in Utah Valley. What began as a little independent gallery turned into a women's boutique that specializes in independent designer fashion, handbags, shoes, jewelry, my paintings and my husband's photography. Considering I had no idea what I was doing, the first year went great. The second year, not so. The economic downturn hasn't been kind to retail. Especially in Utah County where Kaleidoscope is. I am not going to let this get me down though. I have decided to look at Kaleidoscope like raising another child, or making a marriage work. Both have good and not so good fazes. Kaleidoscope is just in a not so good one for the moment.

So what to do? Close? Give up? No. KEEP GOING!!! After doing all kinds of research, blindly I might add, Kaleidoscope is growing up. We are designing our own dress line, creating a great interactive community website and are re branding. I have found the help I need to do all of it. All I had to do was keep at it. Is it done yet? No. Will it get done? I hope so. I am confident that it will. Do I know for certain sure? No. Does that matter? No. Have I ever designed dresses before? No. Did Chanel know how to sew? No. did she go to design school? No. Did she change the entire world of couture fashion? Yes. Does she have anything I don't have? Absolutely not!!!

Just jump. Start the journey. Change course along the way if need be, but keep going. Enjoy the ride, stamp your passport along the way, and where ever the journey ends, if you did your best and stayed true to yourself and your values, your final destination will be beautiful. Lessons will be learned, opportunities taken, and glorious unimaginable things accomplished. Whether you succeed or fail, take the leap, don't look back. Live. You can do it.

That's all until...

If You Don't Chase It You Can't Catch It (What's It?)

"It", whether it's family, career, education, hope, faith or anything else our heart desires can be ours. All we have to do is catch "It". That sounds easy enough. I think I will start chasing "It" tomorrow. Oh yea, tomorrow never comes. That is truly unfortunate. I guess I better start now. First I need to figure out what "It" it is that I'm chasing, so I will know when I catch "It".

There have been times when it was crystal clear what I was chasing, like in the seventh grade when I wanted to be first chair first soprano in the school choir. Cheryl was a really wonderful singer, the best in the class, and she had a lot of confidence. I loved to sing and my mother thought I had a beautiful voice, but I wasn't so sure. When it came time to challenge for a chair, first chair being best of course, there were only two ways to win. The first, and easiest, which was my strategy, was to know more of the song than the other girl. The second, and most difficult way to win, was to just flat out be a better singer. I was good at memorizing. Cheryl was a natural singer, but didn't spend much time studying the lyrics and, you guessed it, I picked a song I new she didn't know. The challenge was on. Let the best man win, or at least the one who knew all the words. Mean or nice, good or bad, fair or unfair, you be the judge, I sang with the knock of my knees carrying farther than the sound of my voice. I won the challange and took first chair. Mr. Kemper let the class know that even though Cheryl had sung better, I had sung longer and knowing the music was also important. I went to my new chair and Cheryl went to hers, the whole class making sure I knew I would not be there long. Cheryl would be challenging me the next week and she would definitely know the entire song and, of course, out sing me. After all she was the better singer, even Mr. Kemper said so. I didn't listen.

It was Challenge Monday. Cheryl was in the fifth chair and I was in the first. All the girls thought I was the meanest girl around for winning first chair the way I did. I was beginning to think it wasn't the nicest thing either, and what's the point of having first chair first soprano for just a week. If I couldn't sing longer this time, I had to sing better. I really did not want to lose that chair. I was scared to death.

The walk up to the piano was eternally long. When I got there facing Mr. Kemper to sing, and not the class, was all that made it bareable. Cheryl was the challenger, so she sang first. She sang all the lyrics and she sounded beautiful. I could hear giggles behind me. I was all but beat. My turn. I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath. I sang. I sang all the lyrics, but this time my voice carried farther than my knocking knees. Apparently, and most definitely to everyones suprise, especially mine, I sang more beautifully than Cheryl. Mr Kemper's jaw dropped. I heard quiet wows from behind me. And Mr Kemper told the class that was how he wanted everyone to sing. I kept first chair first soprano. I kept it all year. No one ever beat me and most of the class quit trying.

It may seem silly that one small victory from so many years ago could still give confidence, but it does. We need to remember our little triumphs and use them to help us now. So many times when I think something is impossible I remember seventh grade choir. I chased "It" and I caught "It". I caught it and kept it the whole year.

Now I am chasing success with my shop and a new dress line coming out in the fall. I am sure I will get winded and worn out along the way, but I am not giving up. Did you know Chanel couldn't sew or draw? If she could do "It" so can I!

Signing off until....

A Sunday Observance at an Observance on Sunday

Yes, I am a person of faith. I always have been and I always will be. It makes my life so much easier. Faith gets me through. The great thing about having faith, is that you don't have to start with any. All anyone needs is a desire, and bendable knees. This is all a loving Heavenly Father needs to guide you on your very own journey of a lifetime. As you travel you will press forward gaining faith, backtrack a little, bend those knees some more, move ahead again, hopefully beyond where you were, and so on and so forth. It can be a slow, plodding and even painful process, but hey we have a lifetime and then some to gain an infinite amount of faith. Best of all you get as many do overs as you want.

I happen to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That's right I am a Mormon. I figure it is good to get that out on the table right away. Have no fear, my purpose is not to convert, but to give a perspective on how I might look at some things differently, or maybe even the same as you do. Besides that, the Sunday observance I had at an observance on Sunday comes from Joseph Smith --History, so if I didn't tell you I was a Mormon you probably would have guessed it anyway.

Most of my adult life I have struggled with depression. I know, what a surprise, who hasn't right? The last eighteen years of that life have been spent trying to find the right help. So, through this personal struggle, the knee bending and guidance began. Countless men and women have suffered with this or other mental illnesses and I want whomever this may reach, even if it is only my family, to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The light may not arrive at the exact moment we think it is best, but it will arrive at the exact time the Lord thinks is best. The latter is what makes it the journey of a lifetime.

I won't bore you with the particulars. You have your own knee bending trip to take. My purpose is to encourage you to keep going. The faith you gain along the way will keep you going. No matter how much you might backtrack, keep pressing forward, keep taking your do overs. If you don't quit, you will be guided to what is right for you. Remember, you have all the time you need. There is no hurry.

Eighteen Year Knee Bending Faith Journey

Short List:

Pray

Go to doctor

"Your depressed!"

Take medication

Pray

Go to therapy

"You have post traumatic stress disorder!"

"Your depressed"

Go to doctor

take more medication

Pray

Go to therapy

Go to Psychiatrist

Go to doctor

blah blah blah

Pray

Go to therapy

"You have an anxiety disorder that is causing depression!"

Go to new psychiatrist

Take more medication

Pray

Go to therapy

Go to another new psychiatrist

"If these meds. don't work your going to the hospital!"

"You may be bipolar."

Take anti psychotic medication

Take tranquilizers

Take anti depressants

Get a little better

Pray

Get fat

Go to doctor

Get Lap band surgery

It fails

Get lap band surgery fixed

It fails

I guess there is no help for me

Keep fighting

Pray

Move out of state

lose tons of money

Still fat

Lose some weight

Gain weight back

Look for doctor

don't like him

Look for doctor

Some better

Yeah!

Doctor leaves practice

Oh no!

Try different Doctor in practice

My new best friend!!

"I am sure all of your problems are caused by ADD"

"I don't believe ADD really exists."

"Well start, cause you got it and you got it bad!!!"

Take Adderall

It worked!

Pray

Say thank you.

Okay, so maybe the short list is not that short. The point is I didn't give up. I kept bending at the knee and fighting.

Result: Life is great. Not perfect, because perfect isn't for here.

In Sunday school today we read the account of the First Vision from Joseph Smith--History. I have read this many times but never looked at it as a parallel for how I have felt over the years. Joseph's description of what happened to him when he went into the grove to pray is a perfect description of what happens when adversity comes our way.

Joseph Smith--History

Chapter 1:15,16

"After I had retired to the place where I had previously designed to go, having looked around me, and finding myself alone, I kneeled down and began to offer up the desires of my heart to God. I had scarcely done so, when immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction."

"But, exerting all my powers to call upon God to deliver me out of the power of this enemy which had seized upon me, and at the very moment when I was ready to sink into despair and abandon myself to destruction-- not to an imaginary ruin, but to the power of some actual being from the unseen world, who had such marvelous power as I had never felt in any being--just at this moment of great alarm, I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me."

That's all until.....

Part of My Story (As I See It Now, Maybe?)

I ramble. It's true. I admit it. As thoughts come to me I spit them out. This is who I am. I always tell the truth, as I see it, and I will continue to do that here. Now my truth may very well be different than yours but it is mine. There is no agenda in The Kimmy Files, except one of hope no matter what your circumstance.


As I try and tell my history my recollection of it may be different from others who know me well. But this is me, as I was, as I see me now...back then. (Try saying that three times fast.)

For some reason I always looked backward. I am not sure I can adequately explain it, but back looked beautiful. I would feast on family albums. Anything with me as a baby, my older brothers excitedly holding their new baby sister, my mother as beautiful as any movie star I had ever seen. In pictures, there was always a beautiful inviting smile on her face. You could read the love she had in her eyes, the pride she had, for her growing family. You could even see adventure in her soul. I innately new she was special, something she never knew. I would guess that most daughters of mothers who don't think they are good enough, pretty enough, or anything else enough, might inherit that trait, but I knew my mother was great, even if she didn't, and I took a deliberate path at a very young age to find what was special in me and not hide it. I wanted to develop in me, all of her that was truly wonderful. Pictures, believe it or not, showed me all of this. Backward was happy and beautiful. She still had hope.

My first love as a child was music. I loved to sing, dance, play the piano. Anything to do with performing I loved. Now understand, I was expert at none of these but I loved them just the same. I don't want to give you the impression that I am any kind of prodigy or have some amazing gift because I do not. Any gift I may or may not posess is no greater or lesser than anyone elses. It is all about doing with what we are given. It is all work. It is all a battle. Also understand that just because I loved performing, I usually did all my performing alone. Mostly I sang. I sang anywhere I thought there was no audience and I could belt out show tunes to my hearts content. My favorite songs to sing were from My Fair Lady, and Sound of Music. I just loved to immitate the Cockny accent of Eliza Doolittle. I remember singing rather loudly in my backyard one day. To my amazement Tim, the boy next door, yelled at me to be quiet. Naturally I told him it wasn't me singing. I couldn't imagine what he thought he had heard. Needless to say I was mortified and realized that you don't have to be able to see someone to hear them. My mother, had much better taste than the neighbor boy. She thought I had a beautiful voice and wanted me to take singing lessons. My mom had a beautiful voice. She would sing every Monday as she cleaned. It was like listening to an angel. An angel that knew show tunes. When she sang she was happy. Singing meant happy. I wanted to sing too, so I did, but not until I was thirty, unless you count junior high choir.


The piano was a joy to play, until I realized it was work. My mother played beautifully and I loved to listen to her play. She played when she was happy, or playing made her happy or peaceful. I don't know which it was. She stopped playing by the time I was a teenager. I started to play the piano when I was about three. By play I mean pound as many keys as my little hands could to create my own beautiful music. I was sure that no one could tell the difference between my music and Fur Elise. Fur Elise was the song my mother played the most. When I realized that my music wasn't really music, I decided to play songs my mother sang from the movies we watched together. Watching old musicals with Mom was the best. My parents were amazed that I could play by ear. I could pretty much pick out any tune that was familiar to me. I took lessons for a while, but when it wasn't easy any longer I quit. I did pick it up again, but not until I was fortysix. Now I can play Fur Elise. It may not sound pretty, but I hit all the notes and it makes me happy and it gives me peace and my beautiful mother from the pictures is with me when I play. My mother's name is Lucille. She hated her name.

Dancing! I loved dancing. However, not just any dance class would do. It had to be ballet. Ballet was beautiful, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Whenever there was a ballet on PBS I was mesmerized. The ballerinas were so beautiful and graceful. Yes, ballet was for me. That was what I wanted to do. It was perfect for me, because I was painfully shy. Although I loved to sing on my own, I hated to sing in front of a crowd. Ballet was still musical and for some reason I wasn't afraid to express myself with my feet. Lessons began when I was eleven and I continued through highschool. I auditioned for the school of American Ballet when I was seventeen, danced Kitri's solo from Don Quixote in recitals and many other original ballets with my ballet school. I wasn't the best dancer, but I loved it. I was the best dancer on my high school dance team for quite a while, but when someone better came along I quit dancing. Technique in ballet is very difficult and was never easy for me but expression in dance was. Katrina, the girl who joined the team later, had better technique. It took me a long time to overcome my regret from quitting. It would be so nice if I could have known that desire and work can conquer a lack of natural ability. It also never occurred to me that I was much better suited for jazz or ballroom dancing. Who knows maybe by the time I am fifty I will pick that up. They must have senior competitions somewhere.

School was easy for me until it mattered. I was smart enough, just not focused enough. Math was treachery. Everything else was okay or I had a teacher I could talk into a good grade. I made it to college but that was the end of it. If I was interested in a subject the teacher had my attention, but otherwise it was pretty hopeless. If I knew then what I know now I would have done fine. But if I would have done fine, maybe I wouldn't be where I am now and where I am now is pretty good. I am not where I want to finish, but it is a great start. Every single day is a great start.

Signing off until....

Kimmy

Nervous Chatter

Where do I begin? It seems to me that to have something really important to say one needs to have done something really important or, at the very least, have had some remarkable something happen to them. That remarkable something is usually some horrible tragedy, sickness, abuse, or any number of remarkable somethings imaginable. I tried to think of a remarkable something, to make my story more interesting, but unfortunately, nothing truly horrible has ever happened to me, nothing out of the ordinary anyway. I think that is why my story, such as it is, may have some relevance. It is meant for the women, including me, who feel unremarkable, who think they don't have much to offer, or believe they have decided too late what they want to be when they grow up. It is for the women who have nurtured, loved and raised their children and wonder, "now what?". It is for the women who have suffered with depression, anxiety and a feeling of utter helplessness and hopelessness, for no good reason.


I don't pretend to have any answers except the ones I have found for myself. My goal with this silly little blogging experiment, is to encourage all to discover their own individual answers, and to never give up. As we stumble searching for those answers we learn so much. Don't be afraid to stumble. Failure must be experienced to enjoy true success.


I hope I didn't get too heavy. Wow, using "heavy" really shows my age, but I think that term is even older than I am. In case you are wondering, I am in my mid forties and yes, mid forties last until I am fifty. I have four beautiful children that include three girls who think they are grown, a wonderful fourteen year old boy, who is extremely spoiled, and a truly doting husband that I have been in, and out, of love with for twentyfive years. I have to say in and out because lets face it, marriage is the hardest thing anyone can do but it is much more than worth the effort.


If there happens to be a reader out there for The Kimmy Files you, and I, will get to know me much better.

Signing off until...

Kimmy